... your memory won't call this suffering ...

I take my responsibility as mom very seriously. I feel it is my responsibility to ensure my child is safe, happy, well-cared for, happy, well-adjusted, confident - yet not overly,  and prepared to face the world when the day comes for him to do so alone. I feel it is my job to help him to understand that in my eyes, he's number 1. And though he may not be as such in the eyes of everyone else, it doesn't really matter. Because what everyone else thinks doesn't matter. And it's also my job as mother to, whenever he is down, bring him up. Because he will have bad days. We all do. So when he's feeling down; when he's feeling defeated; when he's feeling like the world is against him, I want him to know that I still believe in him. And I always will. No. Matter. What.

At this time of year, I constantly struggle because I don't get to spend as much quality (quantity) time with my boys. I've not had a day off to sit with them and watch them do silly things since before January 9 and I'm struggling with that right now. It makes me want to do not much else but cry. Just the mention of either of their names may bring me to tears. It's really bad. I'm a puddle of water WHEN I see them and they make me proud. When they are doing something that I'm unable to congratulate them for or to pump them up or to get them ready for the next big thing, it makes it even harder. And every year I wonder why in the hell I'm doing what I'm doing. Why do I suffer for these three months? I never have the answer. I also never have another job by the time session rolls around again either. It's not even annoying anymore.

I am pretty sure they know that they are always making me proud. I'm positive that they know I love them. I only hope they understand why I'm gone and that I don't like it. There is no where I'd rather be than anywhere with my boys - all three of them. They are the best dates in the whole world and I can't imagine not having them around. At least I get to go home and see them still. And for that I can't thank enough stars.