Two years ago today my brother and his wife experienced what can easily be defined as every parent's worst nightmare. I can't wrap my head around the idea that my nephew is gone. And it's been 2 years. Sometimes I just want to see his face. I just want to see him. I want to see his smile. His great big giant happy smile. And sometimes I just want to pull up his pants. Because they were always falling down. ALWAYS. And every time I saw him I was always pulling up his pants. And I didn't know I would ever miss something like that.
As time has passed it has gotten easier, though I didn't think it would. I didn't think it could. I am now able to think about him and talk about him and smile and sometimes laugh. Not always. But sometimes. I'm able to look at pictures of him and smile, remembering that moment in time. Not always. But sometimes.
As time has passed, my biggest fear has been that he would be forgotten. So I've always found it important to remind the boys - in a not-so-creepy way - about their cousin. I just don't want that beautiful little boy to be forgotten.
The last time I saw Christopher was the Sunday before the accident (which happened on a Wednesday). We were all swimming in their pool but the Thorntons were leaving to go to a party so Christopher had to go inside and get dressed. When he was ready, he came back outside from their back porch and he looked so handsome when he stepped outside he took my breath away. And I'm not exaggerating. He had on cute little board shorts and a white t-shirt and his hair was straggly and blond from summertime. Hindsight tells me that I almost should have known that was the last time I was going to see him. He looked almost angelic when he stepped outside.
He was carrying in his hands his baseball trophy that he had gotten because he was excited about it. But that year he wasn't going to play baseball, he was going to play lacrosse and he was really excited about that. Really excited. He was talking to his uncle Chris about it and he was so excited. He just couldn't wait.
In trying to get through this time the best way I know how, I'm working on not being sad today but celebrating that little man. The boys and I are going to go for a hike. And we're going to swim. And if we knew how to unhook the fish from the fishing pole, we'd maybe even cast a line. We are going outside to be one with nature. And to remember Christopher. And to laugh. Because that's what Christopher would like us to do ... and I'm going to work on keeping it together to do it.
On the day of Christopher's funeral I awoke at 5am with so much to say. I sat down at our desk and hand wrote something for his funeral. It just hit me. I had to say something. I couldn't let that moment pass without everyone knowing how much that little man meant to me, my children, and my husband. He always made us smile. He always kept our hearts in our throats because he was so brave. And he was always so kind. So very kind. So in that same vain, I've reprinted those words I spoke at his funeral here. It's how I felt that morning. And how I feel today. I miss him as much today as I did 6 months ago. I miss him as much today as I did 1 year ago. But today I'm able to smile a little brighter. And I'm able to breathe a little easier.
From July 31, 2010 -
When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we decided to have the ceremony in Key West. It was a wonderful idea but for one thing – my brother and his wife were about 6 weeks away from the due date of their second child. So they wouldn’t make the trip to Key West, which was no big deal really. All that travel and 5 minutes later our ceremony was over. The more fun was going to be at the reception/party we had planned in my grandparents' backyard a few weeks after the wedding. It was to be a casual affair with close family and friends.
As our wedding gift, Brian – who is a wonderful chef – and Cheri gave us the gift of food. They had all the food for the party taken care of and Brian was set to spend ALL DAY preparing it. It was the best laid plans …
My brother has a problem that my husband and I like to call “excessive compulsive”. There was enough food for all of Denton – and probably all of Caroline County – and that wouldn’t have posed any problem for Brian to prepare. If Brian were going to be there to prepare it.
The night before the party, we were at my grandparents' house getting set up for the party. Brian had plans to get up early (around 7) to start cooking. At this point, we were about 3 weeks from their due date. For anyone else, this wouldn’t have caused any stress. However, my sister-in-law had a history of giving birth 3 weeks early AND while my uncle, who was living in L.A. at the time, was in town. The joke over and over the night before the reception was “don’t you steal my thunder, Cheri!” “Don’t you have that baby tomorrow!”
We stayed at my brother’s the night before the reception. And at 3:45am Brian came downstairs and had a bit of a hurry-up to him.
“Cheri’s water just broke,” he told me when I awoke asking it if it was already time to start cooking. “Are you kidding,” I asked him – but in a few more words that I’m not suppose to say in church.
He wasn’t. They were on their way to the hospital. About 6 hours later, Brian called us all at my grandparents' to let us know – IT’S A BOY!! Christopher Brian Thornton had arrived.
And stole my thunder.
Last summer, my mother and I took Christopher and my older son, Andrew, to the beach for the day. I’ve always said that Andrew is a fish, but seeing Christopher on that beach, in that water – it was like he was home. He had absolutely no fear. And those two boys played in that sand – digging holes – and played in that surf – ALL DAY. Andrew is 2 years younger than Christopher so he wasn’t as fearless with the waves – until after about an hour with Christopher. They were jumping in those waves, riding them back to shore. The first time Andrew successfully rode a wave back to shore, he shouted, “YES!! I DID IT!!” And I can still see the sense of accomplishment on Christopher’s face. He and Andrew were one – like brothers now.
As my husband and I were putting together the pictures on the magnetic board last night, we noticed that most of them were of Christopher and the ocean. Out of 25-30 pictures, 20 of them are of Christopher either outside or at the beach or in the water. I was reminded of a quote from John F. Kennedy that I thought summed up Christopher perfectly. He said,
“I really don’t know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea except I think it is because in addition to the fact that the sea changes and the light changes and ships change, it is because we all come from the sea. And it is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins, the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch it we are going back from whence we came.”