While I was pregnant with Andrew it dawned on me the responsibility that I had coming to me. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but it hadn't hit me until the one day that I wanted a turkey sandwich for lunch. And I wasn't supposed to eat turkey sandwiches because of the deli meat. And deli meat was off limits because of the risk of listeria. I wanted some god damn deli meat.
Suddenly I realized just how much I was going to have to look after this child growing inside of me. The sacrifice of food and alcohol was one thing. But it was then that I realized I was forever going to have the responsibility of taking care of this human - I was going to have to make sure that this person became a respectable child. That this child (we didn't find out the sex, though I knew for a fact that it was a boy) wasn't a bully; that he wasn't a push-over; that he was brilliant; that he wasn't lazy; that he took good care of himself and his health. And then there were the things that I had to do for the rest of my life to ensure that this child was OK. I had to make sure that I always provided this child with a home to live in. I had to make sure that there was always food available for this child to eat. And that there were proper clothes to put on in the seasons.
When we decided to start breeding, none of these things occurred to me ... sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But I was so wrapped up in the idea of being pregnant, of having a child with the man of my dreams, of starting a "family"... of actually getting pregnant. I mean, you spend so much time in your younger days worrying about NOT getting pregnant that when it's time to actually GET pregnant, that takes some getting used to. So while I was wrapped up in all of those ridiculous little things that still applied to only me, I hadn't thought about all the responsibilities that were soon going to apply to this little thing inside me. And once I felt the kicking and the movement, that's when I realized what was going to happen, I guess. And dang. It hit me like a ton of turkey sandwiches.
I saw this headline tonight:
Homeless Students in Fairfax May Set Record
... I couldn't even read the article. I can't imagine having a child and not having a home. Our children are spoiled beyond belief. And this is an argument I've had many times with people: our children are spoiled because we can afford to spoil them. I don't see a problem in that. Those poor little boys and girls going into school tomorrow after suffering through a cold night on the street tonight. They're hungry. They're still cold. They're not clean. And their friends know that they're not clean. And they're making fun of them for it, undoubtedly behind their backs. And that makes it even worse. Like they want to go to school and deal with that shit? God damn ... it hurts my heart. I want to fix it. I just don't know how. I don't know what.
Christopher and I say all the time that we are two very fortunate, lucky folks. I know this. The pain my brother and his family have felt remind me of this every day. But when I see headlines like the one above, I'm reminded that the tragedy my family has experienced isn't the only reason I should remember just how fortunate Christopher and I and the boys are. There is no lack of want in this house. And I know my boys don't understand that right now. But they will one day. This I will ensure.
Suddenly I realized just how much I was going to have to look after this child growing inside of me. The sacrifice of food and alcohol was one thing. But it was then that I realized I was forever going to have the responsibility of taking care of this human - I was going to have to make sure that this person became a respectable child. That this child (we didn't find out the sex, though I knew for a fact that it was a boy) wasn't a bully; that he wasn't a push-over; that he was brilliant; that he wasn't lazy; that he took good care of himself and his health. And then there were the things that I had to do for the rest of my life to ensure that this child was OK. I had to make sure that I always provided this child with a home to live in. I had to make sure that there was always food available for this child to eat. And that there were proper clothes to put on in the seasons.
When we decided to start breeding, none of these things occurred to me ... sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But I was so wrapped up in the idea of being pregnant, of having a child with the man of my dreams, of starting a "family"... of actually getting pregnant. I mean, you spend so much time in your younger days worrying about NOT getting pregnant that when it's time to actually GET pregnant, that takes some getting used to. So while I was wrapped up in all of those ridiculous little things that still applied to only me, I hadn't thought about all the responsibilities that were soon going to apply to this little thing inside me. And once I felt the kicking and the movement, that's when I realized what was going to happen, I guess. And dang. It hit me like a ton of turkey sandwiches.
I saw this headline tonight:
Homeless Students in Fairfax May Set Record
... I couldn't even read the article. I can't imagine having a child and not having a home. Our children are spoiled beyond belief. And this is an argument I've had many times with people: our children are spoiled because we can afford to spoil them. I don't see a problem in that. Those poor little boys and girls going into school tomorrow after suffering through a cold night on the street tonight. They're hungry. They're still cold. They're not clean. And their friends know that they're not clean. And they're making fun of them for it, undoubtedly behind their backs. And that makes it even worse. Like they want to go to school and deal with that shit? God damn ... it hurts my heart. I want to fix it. I just don't know how. I don't know what.
Christopher and I say all the time that we are two very fortunate, lucky folks. I know this. The pain my brother and his family have felt remind me of this every day. But when I see headlines like the one above, I'm reminded that the tragedy my family has experienced isn't the only reason I should remember just how fortunate Christopher and I and the boys are. There is no lack of want in this house. And I know my boys don't understand that right now. But they will one day. This I will ensure.